How to be a Dom? Tips for Beginner Doms

In this life, we all seek ways to have more pleasure and satisfy ourselves psychologically and physically. That’s why, as humans, we are the only creatures that have sex for the satisfaction of our desires. The dynamics of the sex is not only a certain (short) period of vaginal (or anal) intercourse. 

Foreplays, roleplays and, BDSM makes the bedroom intimacy more satisfying. Sex means more when we are mentally happy. 

Learning how to be a dom and living in a such relation with your submissive can be a fully satisfying lifestyle for you and your partner. In or out of the bedroom, learning to dominate properly will take time and experience.   

What is a Dom?

To be clear from the beginning, being dominant does not mean having the right to force someone to do things if that person doesn’t want to do so. A Dom/sub relationship is a relationship that both parties enjoy being in. 

You will read What a Dom is not short.  

A dom (male) or a Domme(female) is the one who has control over the sub. He knows how to get what he wants for his pleasure while giving it.

Sexual dominance is the set of rules and behaviors which you have full control over the submissive during sexual play. The Dom is in charge, leading and dictating what happens whilst the submissive one follows and serves while willingly accepting being in a lower status. 

How to be Dom

Dominance and submission are a part of BDSM culture. And when you are in BDSM kink, you should remember that trust is the most important thing in your Dom/sub relationship., just like in any relationship.

Some people are dominant naturally. They tend to be in control of all of their relations, not just in private life. In their work and social life, they want to be in control. Mostly Alpha types. However, being a Dom (or Domme) in sexual life is something you can learn. You can even be a switch and be a sub from time to time. 

This article is mostly for new BDSM players trying to understand the basics of BDSM. Before we study how to be a dom, there are things you should keep in mind.

What a Dom is not…

A Dom is respectful towards his sub. Being the Dominant one in the relationship does not give you the right to do whatever you want. You should be respecting the boundaries of the sub. 

I usually consider shouting people are weak inside. These people lack confidence and self-esteem and do not deserve to be in control. No matter that they think shouting is controlling. So, be confident and a Master. Not a loser. 

You also do not have to be serious all the time. For example, in DDLG relations, you should be caring your little one. As a daddy, you are a Dom. You are a caregiver and when it is time it is ok to play as well as smiling. 

Exceeding the limits of your sub. Your sub may not want certain things in relation. Especially some people do not like humiliation or pain in sexual activities. So, know your limits, accept and respect them. 

Use punishments and rewards properly. Do not confuse your sub. Every action should serve a purpose. 

Being clear about your actions will make a good Dom. 

Now it is time to give tips for beginner Doms

Communicate and negotiate

Knowing the limits and needs of yourself and your sub is the core of BDSM. BDSM is a type of relationship that both Dom and sub get satisfied and, let’s say be happy. It is important to share the same fantasies with your sub. 

While some subs are ok only with light spanking, some subs may be enjoying hardcore plays such as choking, electro, or Wax Play. 

If any of the parties share the same fantasies and desires, you do not fit each other.

On the other hand, if you are married or in a long-term relationship, still negotiation is your best option. Setting ground rules are a must and, as a Dom, it is your responsibility to follow and respect them. 

Safety is your responsibility

Some BDSM practices are risky as the nature of them. Floggers and whips may cause bleeding while choking may cause life-threatening. Some types of bondages and restraints may cause injuries or severe pains. You have to follow and respect the action.  

Follow the reactions of your sub all the time during the play. If you sense something is wrong, give it a break. 

Always be prepared and make your preparations before the sexual game. Scissors to cut bondage, first aid kit, restraint keys and, fully charged phone should be readily available at your reach. 

Respect the SAFE WORD. Both of you and your sub should be enjoying the session. Remember that she (or he) is just your sub but not a slave. If it becomes uncomfortable or disturbing for your sub, your sub should use safe words and you should stop whatever you are doing. Doesn’t matter how much you enjoy the moment. For safety and respect, I stress this again. Stop when Safe Word is heard.

Another point I want to specify is, never leave your sub alone. Some BDSM equipment can be very dangerous and you should interfere immediately. Some types of equipment like fuck machines may break down when you are away.   

Understand your sub’s Needs

There is a reason you want to be a Dom. You want to be in control. The state of mind of yours requires you to be dominant and be in control. This is a need and a way of satisfaction mentally and sexually.

The same principles apply to your partner.

She, or he, wants to be controlled. She has her reasons to be a sub. Understanding her needs and giving her what she wants is the duty of a Dom. How she likes to receive orders, respecting her pain limits in sex, pleasures she desires, all are in your responsibility.

If you think, as a Dom, you are the only person to be satisfied, I would disagree.

Rewards and Punsihments

Rewards and punishments are an important part of BDSM. And you need to learn to use them properly if you want to learn how to be a good Dom.

A good Dom never uses them without a reason.

Rewarding for nothing will Show you weak while punishing will hurt the relation. Misusage will cause the loss of respect of sub towards you.

Two examples from DDLG relation (Daddy Dom Little Girl)

As a Daddy Dom, you are the caregiver to your Little girl.

First of all, I want to remind you that the relationship has nothing to do with incest or pedophilia. It is a Dom/sub relation.

Let’s now throw some ideas for daddy Dom to set as rules for Little one. 

  • She will refer to Daddy only as “Daddy”
  • If she is going out, Daddy chooses an outfit
  • She should test Daddy right after waking up, and again before going to sleep
  • No junk foods any time
  • Bedtime is at 11.00 during school days, and 2.00 on other days
  • Every morning she should make her bed

Of course, there can be other rules. 

Let’s say your sub, little one, broke one of these rules. Then you should punish her to keep your Dom status. 

Some punishment ideas

  • Early bedtime
  • No TV and no video games
  • No play/naughty time
  • Ball gags for a certain time of period

I think you got the idea, so some reward ideas

  • Playtime with caregiver
  • Movie night
  • Zoo date
  • Picnic date
  • Extra video game time

Some other Dom/sub relation examples:

  • Findom

Usually, a Domme is in charge and controls all finances of the sub. The sub-one must follow Domme’s orders and satisfy her financially. An expansive fetish.

  • Petplay

The sub pretends as another species, Playing cat, dog or horse is most common but any kind fits.

To sum up

It takes time to learn how to be a good dom. And still, there are many other things untold here about dominance. Like how to use BDSM equipment properly, setting good rules for a sub, learning how to behave outside the bedroom, and so on. But basics are simple; respect, safety and, having fun. Join BDSM communities such as forums. Reading about others’ experiences will help you very much. Ask there all you wonder, they are happy to help. 

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